It's obligated to figure out why I'm so upset.

The main reason must be "aimless".

I tried to find main focus but there're so many disturbing trivials.... homeworks to take care, exams to pass, friends to make, exercise to do, regardless of endless German formalities! The last time I felt so desperately aimless but busy was in high school, which was 8 years ago.

Then why this is killing me? I have a strong feeling that I'm basically stucked or drowning without an explicit aim. Being well-protected by life guidance for 25 yrs, I have no idea how to deal with this situation. Well, I know the most import thing is to settle down, but that's really obscured. I mean, how can one even settle down without living in it?

I tried to focus on homework and study, but of course it's not the endpoint. I still need to find somewhere suitable for me as a phD. However, seeking for a position is another thing I haven't experienced before. All I have is uncertainty.

The second reason is poor self-confidence.

I'm about to lose confidence in everything because of my poor English. I don't understand either lectures or communication. Even reports require so much concentration to understand, and I'm always distracted by ideas like "whether it's acceptable to have poor English skill here", "where will I end up with? Refugee camps? ".

Also, professors here really want students learn a lot in lectures. Take visual pathway as an example. I took lecture with exactly same name in China, however, the contents are totally different! I learned basic brain structure in the visual pathway in China, but I dig soooo deep into protein and enzyme even their structure here. I felt like I've learned nothing before 😦

The main cause is I thought too high about myself before, and now it's hard to form a fair understanding on it. I just have a hard time to accept the fact 'you are nothing more than an empty glass'.

Long and cold nights in winter also have their contribution.

Working from 8.am to 6.pm means there's no sunshine for you. When I came back from office and felt like wasting another day, the only thing can be done is warming feet in hot water and get drunk. The feeling comes to me every night: the world is collapsing around me, but I don’t know how to fix it or where to start.